Friday, February 20, 2009

Field Guide Entry

Subject pictured is deploying destructive sonic wave natural defense. Nearby victims suffer headaches and potential hearing damage. This defense is finely evolved and astonishingly loud for such a small creature.

Homo Sapiens

~.3 years


Pack and Play, Zen Swing, Bouncy Chair, Bumbo Seat, crib (rare sightings)

Natural Defenses:
  • Sonic shriek to frighten away predators, new uncles, and nearby diners at restaurants
  • Needle-like talons with an affinity for eyeballs and the faces of enemies
  • Dairy-based projectile spit weapon
  • Foul-smelling gas cloud
  • Mesmerizing smile and cooing sounds to lure victims
Field Notes:
Approach with extreme caution. Secure all valuables, designer clothing items, and electronic devices before handling. Never, ever approach subject when in undiapered mode. Do not disturb while sleeping, as this will incur an attack from enraged parents. Protective suit with breathing apparatus is advised in case of deployment of spit or gas weapons (both dairy-based and highly lethal).

Victim is nearly overcome by the subject's potent dairy-based gas defense. Although much larger and more powerful, the victim was forced to flee the area. The gas is generally not fatal, but it has been known to indirectly lead to vasectomies or utilization of other forms of birth control.


Sarah said...

Very informative. This information should have been distributed to us at the hospital!

Momma Rowland said...

okay...I laughed harder at this one! Carl's face is totally pricless!