Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friends, we have established that I am incredibly fortunate to have a beautiful little son in my life. He scores off the charts in his ITGBS (Iowa Test of Good Baby Skills).
A wise man once sang, "Every rose has its thorn...Every Cowboy sings a sad, sad song." Life with baby isn't 100% perfect. We perpetually walk the fine line between tired and shot-with-an-animal-tranquilizer-gun. We've put aside childish things and waded knee deep into the diapers, the drool, and the tears. With the joy come some slightly cynical and hopefully humorous life lessons.
1. Having a newborn is like riding across an icy tundra on a snowmobile. Suddenly, it flips over, trapping you beneath it. At night, the ice weasels come. (hat tip to Matt Groening)
2. Putting pants on a 3 month-old is like putting a straightjacket on a pair of drunken ferrets.
3. Baby smiles are chicken soup for the soul of a tired and discouraged parent. Middle of the night cries are like chicken poop for the soul.
4. Sleeping in the same room as your baby is like gambling in a casino. Instead of chips, you have hours of sleep. The House always wins.
5. I thrive on hearing compliments and kind words about Mad Dog. It's not that I'm arrogant or getting an ego boost. It just helps to reassure me that he is ok and precious. Also, maybe he will turn out to have better luck dating in high school than I did.
6. I cringe whenever someone says, "Oh, he looks like his dad!" I wanted him to hit the genetic jackpot, not play the same hand that I did!
7. 95% of parents believe their infant to be above average. I'm a member of this group, but I know I'm right. Aren't I?
8. Don't EVER turn your back on the action. Especially if you have an undiapered baby nearby. Babies have a magic switch somewhere in the plumbing that always finds the right opportunity to activate. This is not unlike the technology behind fire sprinkler systems.
9. At the end of the 2008 election season, John McCain joked that he's sleeping like a baby. That is, he wakes up every two hours crying. Mikey is sleeping like John McCain. We're very proud.
10. If you see a dad carrying one of those infant seats through a public place, he probably appears to be doing so effortlessly. This is an illusion. The seat is like a lead anvil made out of fruit cake. It's that heavy. Dad's arms are screaming with the strain. He must never show any sign of weakness. Dad must appear to lift and move the chair as if it were not carrying a giant pile of baby fat and cute. Dad must demonstrate to the world how strong and virile he is. This is the same principle behind the sucking in of guts at the beach.