Monday, January 15, 2007

A Day in the Life of Vincent Young, QB of the Tennessee Titans

Location: Nashville, TN
8:30 A.M.:
VY, yawns, rolls out of bed, does 100 pushups to start the day. Incidentally, when VY does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

8:32 a.m.:
VY sidearms his pajamas in the general direction of his laundry hamper. They miss. He looks around to make sure nobody is watching, then unleashes a perfect form overhand throw. The pajamas tumble wildly through the air and knock over his Maxwell Award trophy. VY shakes his head sadly, and a single tear slowly rolls down his cheek.
9:00 a.m.
Works out on a well-worn Bowflex machine. VY is able to quickly reconfigure the machine through each and every single one of the contraption's 95 different exercises, and he does so without consulting the instruction manual. He reminds himself of the tensile strength of welded steel. There is a twisted Bowflex PowerRod (tm) still embedded in the wall of his gym as a warning of what can happen when VY forgets his own strength.
9:46 a.m.
He strolls through long mahogany-paneled hallways, footfalls echoing from the Italian marble floor. He is like a Behemoth astride the world. The Behemoth is hungry, so he goes to the kitchen. His sustenance for the day will be the most amazing breakfast burrito ever assembled from top-tier millionaire dinner leftovers. The recipe remains a secret.
11:15 a.m.:
On the way out, VY spots a cardinal with a broken wing flailing in his driveway. He picks it up, dances, high-fives the wounded wing, and yells inspirational words at the stricken bird. The rejuvenated cardinal spreads its wings and launches into flight.
He goes to a Nashville area children's hospital. Leads the kids in a 5-minute flow session that gets them so fired up that 19 off-duty nurses must be paged into work to restore order.
2 p.m.:
His cell rings (ringtone: "Ridin Dirty") and VY checks the caller I.D. It's Matthew McConaughey...again. He lets it go to voice mail. A few minutes later, the phone rings. This time it's from Lance Armstrong. VY answers it and discovers it's McConaughey using Lance's phone. VY sighs and hangs up on him.
4 p.m.:
VY plays 4 hours of Madden '07 as the Tennessee Titans. Sets up lineup so that #10 plays free safety and alternates kick return duties with Pac Man Jones. Makes members of his entourage play against him using the Houston Texans. It's an unwritten rule among the entourage that they will lose the games. In the last game of the night, Big Rozz accidentally beats VY when a computer controlled player scores a fluke last-second touchdown. B-Rozz is immediately expelled from the entourage.
8 p.m.:
He drives in his burnt orange Escalade over to Lendale White's house. Lendale's mom is in town, and she has cooked a great home-cooked meal. The group spends the whole night talking about how much they hate Matt Leinart. Everybody hates that guy.
10 p.m.:
Posts anonymous derogatory comment on Reggie Bush's MySpace page.
10:30 p.m.:
Falls asleep studying Titans play book. In his sleep, his mind replays the New England Patriots season-ending game. His unconscious mind suddenly discovers an inherent weakness in the Titan's entire offensive philosophy. He will call Norm Chow and Jeff Fisher in the morning, and the changes will begin.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations to Matty for winning the puzzler, the VictorY was well-deserved.

Where do I send the application to take T-Rozz's spot in the entourage?

Matty said...

"Beautiful trophy....well deserved...congratulations."

Chris said...

The Heisman smells like a waffle.

Nice job, Matty.

Incidentally, I'm always open to new ideas here. It's hard to keep coming up with funky blank blank like every single day.

Anonymous said...

drs says...

nice read. it is good to smile early in the morning.