Thursday, January 15, 2009

A Modest Assessment of our Baby

We've fallen headlong into the baby development milestone scrutiny trap. We analyze every little activity and new skill from baby Michael and draw optimistic conclusions about his future (what parent doesn't?).

We may be slightly biased, but after reviewing the evidence, I conclude that our child will some day be the only Heisman Trophy-winning Rhodes Scholar to be elected President of the United States. He will also be able to fool all of the people all of the time and beat up Chuck Norris. If he wanted, he could coach the Aggies to a football national championship (but he won't).

Conclusion #1:
Michael is going to be an elite athlete, possibly in basketball.
He is tall, according to the growth charts. He stuffs his hands into his mouth like a prodigy. He's also very good at supporting some of his weight when held in a standing position. Some people say that his fingers look really long. He recently grabbed Shannon's eyeball and palmed it like a basketball (she should get some Bill Laimbeer goggles to protect herself from our little enforcer).

Conclusion #2:
Michael is going to be an excellent speaker, perhaps delivering arguments before the Supreme Court.
Prodigious cooing and funny baby talk sounds at 12 weeks old. He spoke his first word: AGOO (definition: a small municipality in the province of La Union, Phillipines) at barely 8 weeks old.

Conclusion #3:
He is going to be a super-charismatic charmer and possible ladies man.
He beams frequent, face-crinkling emphatic smiles at his parents and many strangers. He seems to have good skin for an infant, and he doesn't spit up on people often.

Conclusion #4:
Michael is going to be a thoughtful, humble, intelligent person.
He seems quiet, thoughtful and observant. He seldom naps during the day because there is too much stuff to look at and too much contemplating to do. Michael doesn't sleep. He waits with his eyes closed.

It's our jobs as parents to support and unconditionally love our children. In spite of that, I tried very hard to make unbiased conclusions about Michael's future. Fortunately, the cold hard evidence points to a bright future.


shannon said...

I must agree with the above statements.

Sarah said...

Lead the Aggies to a championship? Can he also walk on water?? Austin asked me to tell you that he takes the spit-up comment personally. :)

Chris said...

Doh! Tell Austin that I didn't mean anything by that. In many cultures, spitting up on someone is the ultimate show of affection.

Anonymous said...

I agree. He does come from good stock.